Having parents who are narcissists There is one taboo that has withstood all the recent efforts at demystification: the idealization of mother love.
Alice Miller
My wife told me something that probably reveals how narcissists work. She told me she wants to be "taken care of". Growing up, she had a narcissistic mother who probably reversed rolls; I play the mommy and you the baby, and vice versa. More on narcissistic mothers.With a narcissistic mother who was emotionally imature, my wife never had an adult mother to take care of her. The needs of the narcissist mother are like the needs of a hungry baby bird; "feed me, feed me" the narcissist mother cries to its child, instead of caring for its child's needs, the mother is like a vampire feeding on the child. I even saw another narcissistic mother play this game with her daughters - her daughters would mimic a feeding bird - very childish actions for women over 20! This mother liked playing games, and everyone had to go along. My wife played along with her. Old habits die hard. (see Alice Miller's web page for more on mothers)Over the years, I have seen my wife fall under the influence of narcissistic women. (Either she loves them, or she hates them, but she cannot see how she is acting in unison with them.) She starts to mimic the way they talk and act. When her mother was alive, I knew when her mother had called her because she became her mother, a spitting image. Her speech invariably took up her mother's accent, she would have the same look and comportment, gestures, and her body took on an arrogant stance. It would take a while for the effect to ware off, like a drug. I think she even had withdrawal symptoms when her mother left. Even after her mother's death, my wife sometimes turns into this simulation of her mother. It's like seeing a ghost. My wife is not even aware she is doing it, like she is a zombie, taken over by her mother. I think she, like other victims of narcissistic parents, have absorbed the parent into themselves (in fact my mother in law even wrote that they were the same person!) and so they react instinctively like their narcissist. Narcissists hate it when you rebuff them, or laugh at them, they want you to act and think like them. A parent is in the privileged position to tell their children, "do not think for yourselves - you have to be like me." Any stranger is a threat, and they have to be coopted or destroyed.
I have seen families where the children are treated like adults when they are very young, given freedom with no responsibilities, and the children invariably turn out wrong. The parents have copped out, to use a 60s term, by not enforcing discipline and giving no guidance. Parents have to guide their children toward maturity, by showing them the difference between right and real (this means admitting that the parent is wrong and not perfect, something a narcissistic parent rarely does). The line between crushing the child and discipline is a fine one. I know that my mother gave me very little love while my mother in law was the opposite, she was effusive. Yet both were playing games. They were acting for an audience and jerking their children around. We were like large dolls. Even as adults, we were still treated like children. My mother accused me of being too independent (of her of course).
From the outside, looking in, the narcissist family does not appear dysfunctional. (Alice Miller had a patient who described her family as a glass house, where all the terrible things are hidden in the basement.) In fact it appears perfect, everyone is trained to never say the wrong thing in public. Perfect hypocrites. If you get to know them better, you still may think they are normal, but if you know the signs, you will start to feel uncomfortable around them. One of the parents, if not both, is all powerful, ruling the home in both covert and overt ways. Notice that a family history - filled with unquestionable mythology - is replayed over and over till it sounds like the truth. No one questions present actions or past history of the narcissist. Guilt plays a big role in the family. Head games are the norm; little routines and pet names are used to brain wash children into thinking they are loved. Nothing is ever given to the child permanently. My mother in law wanted to give my wife's doll collection to her granddaughter (daughter of her son) without even asking my wife's permission. My mother was much the same. I never developed attachments to anything, knowing it could be taken away. I had a joint account with my mother, when I was a student, and I soon discovered that my money was disappearing. I got my own bank account soon after.
My uncle told me a story about my mother that reveals how narcissists use and misuse the ones they love. My mother had a pet dog when she was getting up in age to keep her company, and one day my uncle, who loved animals, told her that her dog had worms and he gave my mother medicine to give to the dog. An easy procedure. The next time my uncle stopped by, he asked about her dog, and she told him it had died. She had not given the dog, who had been her companion and loved her in his small way, the medicine and his heart had been eaten up by the worms. Mothers and fathers who are narcissists treat their children much in the same way. If the children jump to the narcissists beck and call, mirror them, agree with them, then the narcissist parent will take care of them. But be careful, if you disagree, or if you leave a narcissist parent,then they will make you pay.
When we moved away from my mother in law, overseas, she would come to visit and it was a nightmare. My wife would run around for months making sure that her mother had the best hotel (I refused to have the woman in my house where she would spend the day screaming and complaining, trying to get attention) and even once, my wife went so far as to be nice to someone she despised, so that her mother could get an apartment at a good rate. My mother in law had to have the best, or she would complain; examples: in a 4 star hotel she changed rooms because there were not enough mirrors to her liking - another time she changed tables on a terrace overlooking a beautiful view. My wife would just take it, say nothing. When my mother in law was visiting, my wife would revert back to this child like person with no will; when they would walk together, it was in synch, they would wear the same cloths and the hair arguments would begin - my mother in law would start playing with my wife's hair. My mother in law treated my wife like a doll, but one that had to mimic her.
Once, my father came to visit at the same time. My mother in law called him and she spent an hour in a cafe crying, convincing him that we had to move back to where she lived. I told him that she was like his wife -another narcissist. I was furious, but my wife, still under her mother's influence, said nothing, just ignored it as if it had not happened. When my mother would visit it was no better. She would go into one of her "moods" and I would take her aside and give her a piece of my mind; I refused to be treated like a child. It was even worse when my brother was around, the same family dynamics would repeat themselves and I would end up feeling physically sick and leave.
My wife used to tell me to just ignore her mother. Now I realize that she was both right and wrong. If you do not know the narcissist, you can ignore them, but if they have any influence over you, because they are related to you or they have any control over you, then you cannot ignore them. Ignore them at your risk. At one time early in the relationship with my wife, I wanted to confront my mother in law, but my wife defended her mother - she did not want me to rock the boat or make the narcissist angry. Narcissist train people to cater to their wishes and whims, like spoiled children. If you want to remain sane you have to be an adult with them - a child of a narcissist has a difficult time with this, because they have been trained not to act like an adult with their narcissist parent.
The way narcissistic parents operate is that they assign their children roles, a bit like birth order, and they have to fulfill whatever that position entails. No matter how hard you try, you cannot compete with the golden child, the chosen one, who represents the narcissists mother or father's image. As a child, you fill as if you disappoint the narcissist if you do something other than what they want - that holds true for your role in the family. My mother in law used to say that only her and her son had feelings and were sensitive. Just the opposite was true, they were the most self centered and heartless members of that family. When I didn't conform to her demands, I was told I was not part of the family. Ironically, people who knew her superficially thought my mother in law was wonderful and fun to be around. Of course they were never shown the narcissist's rehearsals and the behind the scene scenes; narcissists cultivate people who are naive, and they are able to fool almost anyone who doesn't understand their mental illness. And they can act perfectly normal, they can imitate adults. It is another game for them.
Of course, they do not want their children to be adults. They want them to be child like. They will antagonize you, they will wheedle and whine, try everything and anything to get you down to their level. There they make the rules, they are in control. A child has few defenses against such monsters. Adult children of narcissists end up at the shrinks, wondering what happened. A few figure it out, others just keep suffering and falling into the same trap over and over.
So when my wife tells me she wants to be treated like a child, I understand. That is how she wanted to be treated by her mother - but wasn't. The irony is that children of narcissists do not know what they are, or how to act, never having been "raised up" to be adults, instead they were "put down" by narcissistic parents. (I know a woman who's mother was an alcoholic, narcissistic and histrionic; so things can be worse.) This is the dichotomy of being raised by a narcissist. Narcissist create perfect children instead of letting the child be themselves.
The sequels of being raised by a narcissistic parent are many and varied. If you happen to be the golden boy or girl, the chosen one, then you think your mother or father is great, because they think you are great, the spitting image of them. They gloss over your failings, the divorces, the bad business deals (the other people's fault), and they are your fan club, deflecting criticism from you, bolstering your ego, always complimenting you and your wife and children. They think you are a god, or goddess.But you probably know that you have feet of clay, and are imperfect, yet you want your wife or husband to treat you the way your parents do. You don't understand why everyone doesn't admire you, when you are evidently the apple of your family's eye. It might dawn on you that you have problems, but blame it on someone else, never yourself. You might even think that you suffer from some mental disorder, but dismiss the idea as ridiculous, other people are crazy - not you.
On the other hand you might be the unlucky one, the one in the family who always gets the short end of the stick. No matter what you do, your parents, or one of them, never likes it. They are cold, distant, but when company drops by, they will put you on display and you have to perform, you have to make nice. God forbid you say the wrong thing. You will pay for it. You may have a sibling who gets all the attention - no matter what they do - and no matter how hard you try, you get criticized. It is for you own good. You may start to turn inward, not let your inner feelings show, because they like to see you cringe, cry, and so you deny them that pleasure. You may have trouble showing your true emotions later on in life, because you are afraid. But of what? When you were young, your emotions got you in trouble, for reasons you still don't understand. You feel incomplete, half alive, and your ego seems to be either at full blast or gone to sleep. You are shy, or the opposite. Not knowing how real people act, you are suspicious of strangers. Only your mother or father understand you, they say, so you are constantly going home, trying to recreate a childhood that never existed. Maybe you dream a lot, never grounded in reality, and miss things. If you are given a surprise party, you collapse into yourself, not wanting to be the center of attention, because someone else should get all the attention, not you. Deep down you hate your mother or father, and feel ashamed for the sentiment because everyone else think they are great.
Narcissistic love has room for only one person - the narcissist - a painful truth that takes years for a child of a narcissist to understand.
Unless otherwise noted, all the text is copyrighted © Stephen McDonnell 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006Last updated September 25, 2006